Emblem of the Order

Emblem of the Order

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Holy Order of Saint Timothy

The Holy Order of Saint Timothy is an apocalyptic cult fixated on heralding the end times.  We are spiritual, welcoming, and non-denominational.  We seek to guide people away from worldly pursuits by relating disgusting stories that erode one's faith in mankind.

The name of the order comes from 2 Timothy 3:1-5:

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God--having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."

We want to disgust people into not acting like this.  In addition, we are trying to accumulate evidence that we have thoroughly reached this point.

If you agree with these goals, please join today!  All one must do is pledge to relate disgusting stories, preferably ones with a hook to them that really evoke disdain.  They needn't be true, and you are encouraged to embellish anything that is true to make it more provocative.  If you hear of someone getting injured at the shopping mall, by all means turn it into a tale of how a poor single mother, working five jobs to get money for her child's operation, got trampled to death on Black Friday by a megachurch pastor rushing to buy a discounted TV with money taken from the collection plate.

The Lady in the Fur Coat

I know of a certain club, comprised of local samples of the upper-middle class, that meets once a month to discuss matters of finance.  Its members are drawn by the prospect of boasting to each other of their immense wealth, and take great pleasure in differentiating themselves from those who lack the means to join their circle.  One such participant was a lady in a fur coat with a British accent, who used her time at the meetings to vehemently denounce the poor and downtrodden.  Club members were treated to a thousand variations of "The poor are subhuman--why can't we just kill them all?" during her tenure in the organization.

 Last year, the members convened in December and found her absent.  This was the first meeting she had missed since joining the organization several years prior.  She did not reappear for subsequent meetings.  Eventually, one of the members grew curious and decided to investigate.  What he found shocked everyone.

She had frozen to death on Christmas Day.  Apparently, she was a homeless wastrel who had been living on the streets for the last ten years, and had never owned more than a few dollars at a time.  She had found the fur coat in a dumpster, and was using it to live out an elaborate fantasy.  In retrospect, there had been more than a few signs that something was amiss with her.

This lady is all of us who desire things we cannot have--the difference between her pretenses and ours is wholly superficial.

The Tale of Siegfried

The Tale of Siegfied, a mock children's book that celebrates the church's mission, is available for purchase and download on lulu.com: http://www.lulu.com/shop/barry-watts/the-tale-of-siegfried/ebook/product-22125548.html